JUMPSUITS
Don’t get me wrong. Jumpsuits are
great. GREAT! But a friend of mine once wore a jumpsuit to her
boyfriend’s family’s house and it was kind of a disaster. For some
reason, they didn’t have locks on the bathroom doors, so when she was
using the toilet, her boyfriend’s little nephew came in and saw her
sitting there, completely naked, with her jumpsuit around her ankles.
Like you do. Not that it was really that big of a deal. He left and
closed the door, and she finished up without thinking too much of it.
But it was a little embarrassing when he asked her, during the meal and
in front of everybody, why she got naked to go pee. 
BIG BELL SLEEVES
The only way you’re coming out of
dinner with nothing on those long, wide-open sleeves is if someone else
is feeding you. “Here comes the airplane!”
PLUNGING NECKLINES WITH LOTS OF CLEAVAGE
Not that there is anything wrong with
cleavage. Wear what you dare, gurl! But food falling between the breasts
is a thing. I’ve seen it happen. And, as amusing as it was for me
personally to watch my best friend struggle internally about wether or
not to go digging in her bra for a rogue bacon bit, it was a lot less
amusing for her. (FYI, she went to the bathroom to fish it out. Then she
ate it. “It’s still bacon,” she said later.)
LONG NECKLACES
Lanyards and pendants look a lot less
cute when they are dangling in your mashed potatoes. Collars, on the
other hand, will never end up accidentally dipped in gravy. And, if
you’re a particularly messy eater — no judgment — you just tuck your
napkin into your necklace and, voilà! Instant bib. You’re welcome.
BANDAGE DRESSES
This one should really go without
saying, right? Unless, of course, you enjoy the sensation of your
clothes slowly tightening around you as the night goes on. Hey,
everyone’s got their thing, I guess. Ain’t no shame.
STILETTOS
A holiday meal is not a sprint. It’s a
marathon. So you need shoes you can run in. Or, at the very least,
stand around in for a few hours without wanting to gnaw off your own
feet. You may think you’re just there to eat, drink, and be merry, but
once you walk through that door, you’re on call to help whether you’ve
got your work boots on or not.
TAILORED PANTS
What starts out as a perfectly fitting
pair of pants at the beginning of the meal can easily turn into a tummy
tourniquet by dessert. Best to stick to bottoms with a little stretch
around the middle. That way you won’t have to choose between keeping
your pants buttoned up and having another slice of pie.
WHITE SHIRTS
Maybe you’re a fancy,
pinky-in-the-air-while-balancing-a-book-on-your-head kind of eater, but
that doesn’t mean the person sitting next to you will be. My late father
(may he rest in peace) was like a topless blender set on pulse when he
really laid into a holiday meal. Not that I’ve ever met anyone else
quite like that, but, in general, wearing white to a meal built around
gravy sort of feels like you’re asking for trouble.
SUEDE SKIRTS
Sure, suede is gorgeous and trendy and
very “holiday,” but it’s also a real bitch when it comes to red wine
stains. Not that you’re a sloppy drinker or anything. It’s just that
shit happens, and when it does, suede sucks it up like a sponge.
Pleather, on the other hand, is like Teflon — ain’t nothin’ gonna stick.
Not wine, not gravy, and not that weird green stuff all over your
2-year-old nephew’s grubby, grabby little hands.
10 Things You Should Never Wear to a Big Holiday Meal
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